Many people see remarriage as a fresh new chance at happiness with a partner whom they should have chosen in the first place. But the statistics reveal that second or later marriages are much more likely to end in divorce. Why is this so?
许多人把再婚看作是与一位他们本该首先选择的伴侣一起寻找幸福的全新机会。不过数据显示再婚更可能以离婚而告终。为什么会这样呢?
For one thing, remarrying mates often have unrealistic expectations. They are in love, and they don’t really understand that the replacement of a missing partner (due to divorce, desertion or death) doesn’t actually restore the family to its first-marriage status. On the contrary, remarriage will present them with a number of unanticipated design issues such as children’s loyalty binds, the breakdown of parenting tasks and the uniting of disparate family cultures. These are three of the 5 major structural challenges of remarriage outlined by psychologist Patricia Papernow in her remarkable architectural model of remarriage. Essentially, the remarried family’s unanticipated and difficult job is to leave behind many of their old assumptions about how a “real family” ? i.e., a traditional first-marriage family ? is supposed to operate and get to work on self-consciously planning, designing and building an entirely new kind of family structure that will meet their own unique requirements.
一方面，再婚配偶经常有不切实际的期望。他们正处于热恋中，因而没有真正明白替换一个失去的伴侣(由于离婚、抛弃或死亡)实际上并不能把家庭恢复到第一次结婚时的境况。相反，再婚会给他们带来许多未预料到的问题，例如孩子们的忠诚结合问题，育儿任务的失败以及如何结合各自不同的家庭文化。心理学家 Patricia Papernow 在她的杰出的再婚建筑模型中列出了5个再婚的主要结构性问题，而这些是其中的3个。本质上来说，再婚家庭未预料到的难题是抛弃许多他们关于一个“真正的家庭”的陈旧臆断――例如，一个传统的初次结婚家庭――应该如何运作并自觉地实施计划、设计和建立一个全新的家庭结构，以此满足他们自己的独特需求。
A second, and equally important problem for the new couple lies in the realm of interpersonal communication. This is especially true regarding matters which lie very close to the mates’ hearts, such as the sensitive issue of the children’s behavior. Are the members of the pair respectful and caring of each other’s youngsters, who have undergone difficult losses and transitions? Or does a stepparent respond to a child’s stark unfriendliness with outrage and attack?
对于新婚夫妇来说，第二个同样重要的问题存在于人际交流中。这在关系到配偶心中非常关切的问题时尤为正确，比如关于孩子行为的敏感问题。夫妻双方是否尊重并关心对方的孩子――他们经历了如此艰难的丧失亲人以及过渡时期?或者是否继父母以愤怒和攻击来回应孩子们不加掩饰的敌意?
For example, it is much better for a stepmom say “I feel hurt when your daughters come to visit and don’t even say Hello to me or make eye contact “ than “Whenever your bratty daughters come over, they walk right past me as if I didn’t even exist! They are so rude, and you just stand there!” The first response is an “I” message and could start a useful discussion about how to handle the problem, while the second “you” response is blaming and likely to provoke an argument.
例如，一位继母这么说会更好：“你女儿过来的时候都不和我打招呼，连看都没看我一眼，我感到很心痛。”而不是：“每当你叛逆的女儿走过来的时候，她们从我身边经过好像我根本不存在似的!她们这么没礼貌可你却只是站在那里无动于衷!”第一种回应是一种“我”的信息，并且能开启一段关于如何解决问题的有用的讨论。而第二种“你”的回应是在指责并且可能引发一场争吵。
The knottiest of remarriage issues is often that of discipline, and here a ton of research provides a clear guideline. The stepparent’s role should be similar to that of a nanny, an aunt or a baby-sitter who is familiar with the rules of the house (such as, no TV before homework is finished.) She or he monitors and reports on the child’s behavior, but ONLY the biological parent should do any kind of punishment (and is also allowed to let rules slide.) And yet, far too often, a step-parent will think they should be the enforcer if they are to get real respect from their step-children.
再婚中最棘手的就是原则问题，不过有大量的研究提供了明确的指导方针。继父母的角色应该类似于奶奶，阿姨或者保姆这类熟悉家庭规则(比如家庭作业完成之前不能看电视)的人。她/他监督汇报孩子的行为，不过只有亲生父母才能做任何形式的惩罚(也允许睁一只眼闭一只眼。)并且经常这么做之后，如果他们想要获得孩子们真正的尊重的话，继父母们将会认为他们应该是执法者。
The problems of remarriage are a national issue that have been hiding under the radar for far too long. It is only by bringing the unique challenges out into the open that we can possibly bring the dissolution rate of these marriages down.
再婚问题是一个被隐藏了太久的全国性问题。只有把其独特的问题公之于众，我们才可能把这种婚姻的离婚率降下来。
【小编推荐】
